Now I'm getting a little Antsy

Okay, let's get rid of some of the sugar coating, shall we....

I have a knack, a real knack for going through peoples lives at about the same speed that some men change underwear. How can people suck you dry and milk all the inspiration from you and then leave in your greatest time of need. I have news for them. GOD DOES NOT TELL YOU TO ABANDON YOUR FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So if there is anyone out there who has done this to anyone, maybe you should take a closer look. A lot of my time has been wasted wondering why people walk away from me. Yes, sometimes, I have made mistakes, but when my friends make mistakes I don't completely forget about them. I still think about them even though they have no interest in speaking to me. How can you convince yourself that God tells you to leave your friends and forget about them, leaving them with noone to talk to and noone to hear what they have to say. It is unrealistic.

Therefore, I have difficulty believing in friendship anymore. These kinds of things have happened to me a lot. I now have a problem with forgiveness. I've done my part and gone to those who have hurt me and told them how I feel, the burden is off of my hands, but feeling of ill will have not subsided in over a year. I'm a bit tortured and it's driving me up the wall. It some ways I'm still in the same place I used to be, still feeling some of the same things.

So, if you are a fair weather friend, remember this blog, and care about someone other than yourself. If you are a Christian, please pray for me, my heart has been broken many times, and I long and pray for healing but it never seems to come. It kinda makes it difficult to serve the Lord when his servants harm and suck the life out of eachother. That is not true christianity, it is not how we are meant to be.

Whirlwinds of change

It seems as though the more I have to say, the less I speak. I have some braggin rights here lately, but I'm not so sure that I should mention them all. I'm really having a hard time opening up because it feels like I'm going to turn someone away or upset somebody who doesn't quite get where I'm coming from.

I'm working on getting together with what I used to be like and somehow fitting it into who I have become. In the past couple of years I have changed exponentially. I don't talk to God as much as I used to, or atleast not in the same ways. My nerves feel like they are completely shattered sometimes. I guess that would have to do with the fact that now, I am the Mother of six. The teenagers, really get to me sometimes. It's hard for me to be a parent to them sometimes because they are not that much younger than me. In a lot of ways I envy them, I wish I could be starting all over again, with the knowledge I have gained at only 28 years old. I still find myself talking to them like an old woman trying to warn them, trying to help them. Of course, they don't really listen.

Now, our oldest is 17 and is pregnant and we're planning her wedding. Of course, my baby is only two years old now, and I get the pleasure of becoming a Grandmother. This is not always easy to deal with, but I still manage to keep going. I enjoy the prospects and try to be a good Mother and a friend to her. Sometimes it's hard to lay down rules.

On a much more upbeat end, I have God to thank that finally some of my artistic abilities are getting noticed. I will be having my own Gallery Exhibit in January with my photography and possibly a second one later on in the year. I'm very excited and scared all at the same time.

Anyways, I don't know what else to say for now, so I guess I'll be going, God Bless You ALL

Turn the Page

My, Oh, MY..... how things have changed!!! I find myself far removed from the person I once was and going through a complete metamorphosis in my life. It amazes me the changes that have occurred. I have gone through many things lately, and most of it has been difficult, to say the least. I am going through a divorce and my life with the Lord is being redirected to a place where I am more like the sould he has created. I have often sat and wondered if sometimes we go through life effecting people as we go, even in marriage, is marriage a ministry, where a person gets a chance to be what they should be in Christ, with their spouse to lead and guide them along the way, and what if they refuse..... what if a man cannot be a leader, what if he does not desire to seek God, his gloy, his promises.... what if.... I have seen many examples in the Bible of things like this occuring, but certainly not in marriage. So where does that leave me??? Well, I realize that while I may have been in the will of God in my previous marriage, it may not have been the "perfect" will of God, it may not have been his plan. I have seen far too many coincidences in the last few months to even question that for a moment. It has occurred to me, that God makes the best of things and knows our hearts even when we are outside of his will and uses us accordingly. This is something I already knew, but it seems to have a drastic impact on my life over the past few years. When you pray a simple prayer, Lord is this what you had planned, and if not, show me your plan, and make it come to pass.... how amazing the answer can be. I said that simple little prayer, and within a week, my life turned upside down, wrong side out, and was shaken beyond my own comprehension..... but..... since then, I see promises fulfilled, and prayers answered that I had spoken many years ago..> Thoughts that I shared only with God, secret wishes and desires that I thought would never be realized, my hearts desires, I did not realize how much I had settled for in life until recently. It did not occur to me that I had been sacrifising who I truly am to make someone else happy. Being true to yourself is very much being true to God and who he created you to be. And it is in that realization and in the trust and surrender that you will find your hearts desire, and all of those secret little wishes, private prayers and desires that only he knows about...... well, it's never too late. You just have to decide what really matters to you, for me...... well, it was love...... (more on that later) When you dig down deep and decide what you want more than anything else in this world.... you find yourself, and his desires for you.... they become your own. When you break down to the very core of your being, then you will find what you have been looking for. I prayed another prayer.... I asked God to please show me his love, and send me a love that would closely match the love he had for me..... what an amazingly simple prayer, and what an overwhelmingly glorious response I have received. God is amazing, you just have to let him be God. Everyday is different now, every moment is a new beginning in my life, with new hope, and a new horizon that I have never explored..... it was a path I should have found long ago, but ran from because of fear. My personal life is being transformed in the most amazing way. So for me, it's time to turn the page, and write a new story, develop a new plan, and rest in the love that God has shown me, through his own mighty ways, and many other ways as well....

I have so much more to say, but i fear the clock is ticking on my time tonight.....

Where does the time go?

It seems to me as I travel through my life that there is never enough time to do all the things that you should. I've been spending the passed couple of years in and out of good health. It seems that I've had my fair share of bad health. After having the twins I experience terrible gall bladder attacks. They were completely debilitating. I found myself lying on the floor wishing I were dead. Nothing had prepared me for the kind of pain that I experienced, not even having a c-section and carrying twins almost to term. I relied on GOd rather than go through surgery and it paid off. I no longer have any problems of the sort. As most people know, I stay at home to take care of my two beautiful toddlers. While this is rewarding is many ways; it never seems to be enough. I'm always driven to do more accomplish more and be more than just a Mother and Wife. God has placed so many talents and desires within me that I often have no idea where to start. My heart yearns so much to do artistic and creative arts ministries. I could spend my life creating beautiful photographs, paintings, poetry.... well, you get the idea. It also seems that I love to use my body in worship. I love physical expression in many ways. I enjoy exercise immensly and often find strength training to be very relaxing. So, busy is not the word for what I am, a time multiplier, perhaps. It's been very difficult to balance my children, my God, my Husband, my life as an Interior Decorator, and my Passion for the Arts. In the back of my mind I've always had a nagging that there would be one more child, even if I never admitted it for myself. My Mother's ring even has three stones. The center stone contains my Husband's birthstone almost like a place holder. Yes, a feeling that there would be another has haunted me from time to time. I pushed it to the side and refused to believe the truth. It was so difficult to do all the things in my life, and I felt that I was overstretched and overworked.

It wasn't until more recently that I discovered I had another little health problem that was rearing it's ugly head. Hypothyroidism, which makes you feel overwhelmed and incapable of handling basic situations had set in with a vengeance. I addressed it quickly and with much prayer I quickly returned to normal. It seemed that if God could use me to do all that he had, when I could barely concentrate and hold my head up...... maybe, just maybe, another baby wouldn't be so bad, after all. Soooo...... now I discover that the third child is on it's way. It took everyone by surprise when we discovered the pregnancy. Several people actually thought we were joking. That it was a lie, and wasn't possible. It was a miracle for me to get pregnant with the twins, and now we have a little surprise? Yes, everyone was shocked to say the least. And while everyone is in dismay, but completely excited....... I honestly, don't know how to feel at times. Yes, I'm happy, and I'm looking forward to another Baby. I feel selfish wondering how in the world there will ever be enough time to focus all of the attention my children will need on them. The idea of website upkeep is also daunting when it is already suffering and my dreams of fulfillment through artistic ministries seems impossible. Yet, I know, deep down inside, that God knows what he is doing. He loves me, knows my heart and my desires. He placed them there after all. He also knows that in secret, I want another little one. There is so much joy in holding an innocent little bundle, in seeing their first smile, first steps, first words, and yes, finally the first hugs. Beautiful moments cannot be forgotton. I'm looking forward to precious moments and cuddles, kisses and bedtime stories. Then when the baby gets old enough all of us will run through the yard screaming, use up all of my Husbands shaving cream in a science experiment and cover the kitchen floor with whipped cream just for the fun of it. Many parents can be pretty uptight, but I have to say that any mess you create will eventually be cleaned up. It's fun to dive right into your child's world and create room size tents, dance like idiots, and play in shaving cream. After all, it's the fun moments that count, right? Sometimes, I may not be the best at teaching them everything they need to know, but I do my best and we have fun along the way. As far as the arts go..... well, again, God knows what he's doing. I don't think he wants to eat up my time with just one thing. He expects us to follow the dreams and passions he's placed within us. It occurred to me that, maybe, just maybe, I should "get a life". So, yes, I'll still do everything I'm doing now, and maybe a little more. The thing that needs to change is simply this. Put aside time for specific tasks and hobbies and stick to it. A webpage only needs updated once a week, after all. And there is only so much you can do every day with the arts. It all takes time and while it is most certainly daunting, I will perservere. God knows my heart, and he won't let me down. Someday, when the time is right I will succeed. Until then, I need to enjoy my life. This is the time for silly songs, playing dress up, making messes, and playing make believe. Why lose that? It only lasts for a short time, but the memories of my precious little ones will last forever.

Leadership Slavery

For years many have understood that Pastors are some of the hardest working individuals around. Leadership can be a kind of slavery. With this in mind, I have a few thoughts. The Bible says that who is greatest among us should be our servant, or slave. If that is the case we are to all strive to serve. What is a slave, what kind of serving are we talking about? Personally, I see it as absolute devotion and totally consuming. Serving God and looking out for others should be of the utmost importance. Those who you serve are like your family. You should have a pure and devoted heart towards them. Now, I must ask, how do you treat your servants and slaves that care for you?

Many abuse the system... This causes the servant leaders to become over stressed and over tired. That is how we discover leaders, preachers, and all sorts of ministers turning to books with diagrams and pre-written sermons for the year. They have been abused to the point that they do not have enough time alone with the Lord for Divine Revelation to occur. Even in Home Churches and Emerging Churches we have a tendency to lay the responsibilites on one person. You expect them to lead every discussion, teach every teaching, and get you excited about God week after week, discussion after discussion. You may not even consider what you are doing as abuse. On the other hand, your leader slaves are pouring everything they can into helping you. In return you barely nod or share an opinion. If they encourage you to participate and have an opinion of your own you further close off and refuse to speak. This is a desperate situation. Each time that this occurs, your leaders become weaker and more vulnerable because they see no benefits to their actions. They toil and slave away for your benefit but see no rewards or participation from you. It is easy to become discouraged. While it is a leaders purpose to serve others it is easy to grow weary.

My purpose for this..... give them a break..... Have an idea of your own, speak up once in awhile, and if you are called into leadership, perhaps you could lead a meeting or service occasionally. What harm is there in asking or making a suggestion. Every one needs a little time off, and leadership slaves are no different. Be respectful for those who serve you and you will find more encouraged and vibrant servants among you. It is easy to forget the perspective of others. We as humans have a tendency to think only of ourselves. It is time that we look from anothers perspective and learn from them.

My testimony

I was recently asked to share my testimony. This honestly was a bit confusing. What should I share, which part? In all honesty my entire life has been one amazing testimony. I've had my share of adversity, terrible situations, and bad habits. Simply put, I've been there. Where is there? Well, read on and you may find out a little more.

I came to know the Lord when I was five years old. I guess I came to accountability a little earlier than most. I was surrounded by pentecostals, women ministers, and spiritual gifts. Quite an unusual environment for the typical five year old. At times it was terrifying, other times it was joyous. One thing is for sure, I seen many things. Some things were good and some were bad. Most of what I knew as a very young child was very spiritual. Around eight years old I was filled with the Holy Ghost, at fifteen, I was preaching, and at sixteen I stepped away from the Lord. I began experimenting with other spiritual forms and manifestations including, Wicca, Shamanism, and other religious studies. I was a fast learner and was greatly desired of these different cults. They wanted me to be an intimate part of their groups. I was an avid tarot card reader and a clear visionary.

Within a couple of years I found myself married, eighteen, broke, and miserable. I knew that I had a call on my life and I avoided God. I wanted nothing to do with Him, because of things that I had seen and grown up with. Not everything was of purest intent in the Church. I was a step away from being homeless, was being abused, and was holding down two jobs. My husband at the time, did nothing but spend what I brought home. Our rent was rarely paid and our groceries came home hidden in my purse rather than in grocery bags. It was a grueling life and one that I did not care to live. I contemplated suicide at times, murder at others. I was miserable. It seemed like nothing could make things better.

And then............

One night as I was laying in bed, I gave it all up. I was tired, and I missed my Lord. So I cried myself to sleep and awoke in peace for the first time in years.

Before Long, I was single again, in a soulful Church choir and losing massive amounts of weight. With a new best friend and a new sense of God I embarked on a journey that has yet to end. Together Paula and I learned how to worship God in flag. He showed us choreography and advanced her skills very quickly. And as I feared stepping from behind it, someone decided to pray for me concerning dance. And guess what, one week later, I danced for the first time during a service. It was an amazing feeling, as though the world suddenly stood still and God was twirling me in His arms. Each time I danced it grew stronger and I found my relationship more personal with God.

For the next couple of years I spent my time worshipping God and improving myself as a dancer and in flag worship. I was experiencing God in ways that I had never imagined. I found myself laying next to God in the middle of the night. He kept me from being lonliness. Honestly, I didn't know what love truly was until I cuddled up with my Lord. It was different from anything I had ever experienced. I still wanted to be a Mother and have children of my own and I prayed desperately for my desire. It really seemed as though I needed to know God and myself before I could get to know anyone else. He had never let me down and I knew he wouldn't start then. So when it was in His timing, I met my current husband.

Soon after getting married, I found myself pregnant with twins. I was living over 200 miles from friends and family in a conservative community. I joined the most radical Church in the area. I found their expectations were for everyone to fit into a particular mold. Missing a "Church Service" was considered to be a tremendous sin and my passion began to drift away. I was struggling with my pregnancy and found it difficult to attend consistently. Yet, nobody called or offered to assist me. My husband was working late at night and I was alone in the evenings. None of this mattered. If I missed a service, I received stares of disapproval and condemnation for my lack of consistency. I was an alien in an unknown world. Expressing themselves to God seemed foreign. They spoke of worship and letting God lead, but when someone had a testimony they had to whisper it in the ear of the Pastor before being allowed to speak. I couldn't believe that a group of Christians that desired to see God move would hinder his people so deeply. Everything had to be on a set schedule. Any variation was short-lived and half-baked at best. Thankfully, my friend Paula was soon married and joined me in this alien world. Together the four of us struggled to keep our passion for God alive. After much discussion we started our own bible study. Our intention was to help us to use our gifts and teach one another. A little extra word never hurt anyone, right? Unfortunately, this was not the thought of this particular group. The Pastors viewed any sort of group studies without them, a rebellion. So in secret we studies together and drew closer to the Lord. Eventually, I approached the Pastors with an idea for artistic ministries. Their response was simply that it was not in their vision to raise up Ministers. The "Church" wasn't ready to send out anyone into the community. This was the strangest thing I had ever heard. We quickly began studying the purposed of Church and Ministry. All of us grew more frustrated. My heart was aching for the people of the community. In tears, I would cry out to God to use me to make a difference. It no longer mattered how. The community and its people needed help. I may have been a stranger, but I knew God could and would use anyone. Then one fateful day I received a call from a fellow Minister from home. After talking about the situation I hung up the phone and never gave it a second thought. The next day he called back and suggested that we start our own Church group. Well, this was certainly a controversial idea, but one that I prayed about heavily. It was obvious that this was GOd's plan even if it did leave me speechless. I had no idea that this COULD happen. Here I was in my mid twenties, newly married with Toddler twins and no formal education. Of course, I had experienced Ministry most of my life, but I felt unprepared for the road ahead. It took tremendous faith to step forward and do as God requires. It occured to me that He wants to receive the Glory and sometimes he MUST take the least of us to receive it. The Lord wants to make miracles in the ministries he places before us. When it comes to Him receiving Glory, I was the perfect canidate. It simply was not possible for any of the work to be accomplished by myself. No, it had to be God. There was no way that my human self could have the time to accomplish his goals. It was Him working in me. I am thankful that it is not in my power, but in his ways. Of course, by human standards, God would be crazy to use me. We're not God, and His ways are not our ways. So, now I find myself leading an Emergent Home Group, and website that is reaching out to the world and touching hearts. He has used our little corner of the web to draw His people to a closer relationship with Him. I am grateful that God has chosen me for this task, and am happy to surrender my will for His. It is wonderful knowing that God can work through me. I do not rely on human strength and ambition. If He wants it done, it will get done, regardless of our thoughts on the subject. It is better to be willing vessels allowing him to touch hearts through our own.

Silent Christianity

Unfortunately, as of late, I have noticed an epidemic of people who call themselves enlightened that are silent. I have done some conversing on some message boards and group lists for the Home Churched and some other areas. To those I spoke to it seems crazy to reach out to others, almost a sin. They stay in their quiet little group. Only their close friends and relatives would ever know that they are doing something to help others and that they have an alternative way to worship and serve the Lord. This is a sad commentary. Are they ashamed about where they are and what they are doing? Are they afraid to step out of the shadows and stand up for what they believe in? We need to get past ourselves and our comfortable little groups. I remember what it felt like to believe that there was no alternative, nowhere to go, and no one to turn to. In this world and in the general Church community people need answers. They want something new, and know that they need more. People need a place to express themselves, but some do not realize that they are entitled to do so. Why is it that we are hiding? If there are so many home Churches, small groups, and alternative ways of worship why doesn't anyone know they exist? Now I ask you, is it okay to hide your light where no one can see it? Is it okay to leave your friends and neighbors in the dark about the revelation that God has given you? Do you care enough about them to reach out to them, or would you rather hide and avoid any criticism? Consider the parable of the talents... We are meant to use and multiply what God has given us. He does not want us to bury his divine revelation. He loves us and we are supposed to Love one another. Is it love to hide a better direction, a better way, from those who need it, or is that neglect? Consider for yourself. Are you being selfish with what God has blessed you with or are you eagerly sharing it with others? You don't need an advertising campaign, or to be political. You do need to not be afraid of who you are and what you believe. Rumor travels fast, and if you're not afraid to get out there and actually help the community, people will know. If they need you they find you. The word of God is not exclusive to one group. Our ancestors were corrected on this, we can read it in the Bible. Jesus was not silent. He did not hide. Why do we?

Oh, and one more question........
Is your group meeting for God, or for yourselves?

purposes and passions

I often find that we as people have a natural desire to "belong", and to be a part of something. We want to be remembered, and make a difference. Nobody wants to fall away and disappear into the masses or be a shadow of someone else. We are all looking for our voice and hoping it can be heard. Yet we spend more time fighting than encouraging. Our hearts are silent, and our voices are speaking words that are not our own. We borrow the thoughts of others and discourage originality. We try to silence anything that challenges us.
God places in our hearts desires, talents and passions. We should follow those. There have been times when I lose track of the things that I love, that He has given me. It is in those times that I tend to be, well, rather miserable. I focus on what is “best” and most responsible, but God’s ways are not necessarily our ways. The best thing to do is to follow after the path that He has chosen for you. We will never find fulfillment in following the ways of man. Working a grinding 9-5 job will never give you happiness. You will always have a void, and a need. This need can only be filled by our Lord through following his purpose. He places things within us that will allow us to stand apart and make a difference. If we follow his purposes, we will never fade away.

For me, doing what is best and responsible is not my path. While loving and caring for my family, I cannot forget the Arts. That is my passion. I MUST dance. I MUST write. I MUST sing. I MUST reach out to others and bring them closer to a truly intimate place with God. I cannot function without my heart being expressed creatively for God. It is in this place that I find fulfillment, that I find myself closer to Him. Yes, I must make certain that I take care of responsibilities, but it is possible to do this without losing sight of my passions and purpose.

What is your passion, where does God touch your heart? Where is your place, what yearning is there within you? Follow it, and you will find yourself closer to Him. You can make a difference and be remembered. You cannot simply do as you please, you must seek after the Lord and allow him to guide you. It is only in him that you will find fulfillment. Those around you will be happier and more fulfilled if you first, find it for yourself and then share it with others.