My testimony

I was recently asked to share my testimony. This honestly was a bit confusing. What should I share, which part? In all honesty my entire life has been one amazing testimony. I've had my share of adversity, terrible situations, and bad habits. Simply put, I've been there. Where is there? Well, read on and you may find out a little more.

I came to know the Lord when I was five years old. I guess I came to accountability a little earlier than most. I was surrounded by pentecostals, women ministers, and spiritual gifts. Quite an unusual environment for the typical five year old. At times it was terrifying, other times it was joyous. One thing is for sure, I seen many things. Some things were good and some were bad. Most of what I knew as a very young child was very spiritual. Around eight years old I was filled with the Holy Ghost, at fifteen, I was preaching, and at sixteen I stepped away from the Lord. I began experimenting with other spiritual forms and manifestations including, Wicca, Shamanism, and other religious studies. I was a fast learner and was greatly desired of these different cults. They wanted me to be an intimate part of their groups. I was an avid tarot card reader and a clear visionary.

Within a couple of years I found myself married, eighteen, broke, and miserable. I knew that I had a call on my life and I avoided God. I wanted nothing to do with Him, because of things that I had seen and grown up with. Not everything was of purest intent in the Church. I was a step away from being homeless, was being abused, and was holding down two jobs. My husband at the time, did nothing but spend what I brought home. Our rent was rarely paid and our groceries came home hidden in my purse rather than in grocery bags. It was a grueling life and one that I did not care to live. I contemplated suicide at times, murder at others. I was miserable. It seemed like nothing could make things better.

And then............

One night as I was laying in bed, I gave it all up. I was tired, and I missed my Lord. So I cried myself to sleep and awoke in peace for the first time in years.

Before Long, I was single again, in a soulful Church choir and losing massive amounts of weight. With a new best friend and a new sense of God I embarked on a journey that has yet to end. Together Paula and I learned how to worship God in flag. He showed us choreography and advanced her skills very quickly. And as I feared stepping from behind it, someone decided to pray for me concerning dance. And guess what, one week later, I danced for the first time during a service. It was an amazing feeling, as though the world suddenly stood still and God was twirling me in His arms. Each time I danced it grew stronger and I found my relationship more personal with God.

For the next couple of years I spent my time worshipping God and improving myself as a dancer and in flag worship. I was experiencing God in ways that I had never imagined. I found myself laying next to God in the middle of the night. He kept me from being lonliness. Honestly, I didn't know what love truly was until I cuddled up with my Lord. It was different from anything I had ever experienced. I still wanted to be a Mother and have children of my own and I prayed desperately for my desire. It really seemed as though I needed to know God and myself before I could get to know anyone else. He had never let me down and I knew he wouldn't start then. So when it was in His timing, I met my current husband.

Soon after getting married, I found myself pregnant with twins. I was living over 200 miles from friends and family in a conservative community. I joined the most radical Church in the area. I found their expectations were for everyone to fit into a particular mold. Missing a "Church Service" was considered to be a tremendous sin and my passion began to drift away. I was struggling with my pregnancy and found it difficult to attend consistently. Yet, nobody called or offered to assist me. My husband was working late at night and I was alone in the evenings. None of this mattered. If I missed a service, I received stares of disapproval and condemnation for my lack of consistency. I was an alien in an unknown world. Expressing themselves to God seemed foreign. They spoke of worship and letting God lead, but when someone had a testimony they had to whisper it in the ear of the Pastor before being allowed to speak. I couldn't believe that a group of Christians that desired to see God move would hinder his people so deeply. Everything had to be on a set schedule. Any variation was short-lived and half-baked at best. Thankfully, my friend Paula was soon married and joined me in this alien world. Together the four of us struggled to keep our passion for God alive. After much discussion we started our own bible study. Our intention was to help us to use our gifts and teach one another. A little extra word never hurt anyone, right? Unfortunately, this was not the thought of this particular group. The Pastors viewed any sort of group studies without them, a rebellion. So in secret we studies together and drew closer to the Lord. Eventually, I approached the Pastors with an idea for artistic ministries. Their response was simply that it was not in their vision to raise up Ministers. The "Church" wasn't ready to send out anyone into the community. This was the strangest thing I had ever heard. We quickly began studying the purposed of Church and Ministry. All of us grew more frustrated. My heart was aching for the people of the community. In tears, I would cry out to God to use me to make a difference. It no longer mattered how. The community and its people needed help. I may have been a stranger, but I knew God could and would use anyone. Then one fateful day I received a call from a fellow Minister from home. After talking about the situation I hung up the phone and never gave it a second thought. The next day he called back and suggested that we start our own Church group. Well, this was certainly a controversial idea, but one that I prayed about heavily. It was obvious that this was GOd's plan even if it did leave me speechless. I had no idea that this COULD happen. Here I was in my mid twenties, newly married with Toddler twins and no formal education. Of course, I had experienced Ministry most of my life, but I felt unprepared for the road ahead. It took tremendous faith to step forward and do as God requires. It occured to me that He wants to receive the Glory and sometimes he MUST take the least of us to receive it. The Lord wants to make miracles in the ministries he places before us. When it comes to Him receiving Glory, I was the perfect canidate. It simply was not possible for any of the work to be accomplished by myself. No, it had to be God. There was no way that my human self could have the time to accomplish his goals. It was Him working in me. I am thankful that it is not in my power, but in his ways. Of course, by human standards, God would be crazy to use me. We're not God, and His ways are not our ways. So, now I find myself leading an Emergent Home Group, and website that is reaching out to the world and touching hearts. He has used our little corner of the web to draw His people to a closer relationship with Him. I am grateful that God has chosen me for this task, and am happy to surrender my will for His. It is wonderful knowing that God can work through me. I do not rely on human strength and ambition. If He wants it done, it will get done, regardless of our thoughts on the subject. It is better to be willing vessels allowing him to touch hearts through our own.